When Your Partner Wants to Have a Baby But You Don’t: The Case of #JeannieMai and Why I Saw Her Divorce Coming

Update: Jeannie mentioned this post on her show!

I went out on a date (go me!!) but came home to news more shocking than my love life:

Jeannie Mai is getting a divorce.

Now, I don’t know Jeannie Mai and I’m not her publicist and she has never confided to me the reasons for her breakup (although, hopefully, one day, God willing, she and I will become friends and we’ll be tight like that, because I absolutely love her), but I immediately suspected what had to be one of — if not the major issue — in her marriage that caused this split:

She doesn’t want kids, but her husband, Freddy, does.

About five months ago, I was watching an episode of “The Real” where Jeannie broke down and (once again) shared the biggest difficulty in her marriage (this episode is from May 2017):

While the episode above seems to be when this issue came to a head, it’s not the first time that Jeannie has said that she doesn’t want kids.  It’s been an issue throughout her marriage (the following episode is from 2014):

It’s not like she hasn’t considered having kids (episode circa 2016):

The thing is, Jeannie is very family-oriented.  It’s just that she doesn’t want to bring someone in the world only to fail them:

Some commenters on YouTube said:

This is so unfair to Jeannie. It’s a very important issue that they discussed PRIOR to getting married and he agreed. But is now changing his mind. He’ll be seen as a villain if he leaves her for this.

While others said:

I don’t get why so many of you guys are tearing Freddy down! At the time obviously Freddy believed that he didn’t need children because of his love for Jeanie, he’s getting older and he’s seeing his friends and family with children and he wants to experience the joy too. If Freddy intended in having kids he wouldn’t have agreed to marry Jeanie. You guys he’s getting older and changing. Nobody stays the same with the exact same beliefs and mindset forever. I feel for Jeanie because this is a hard situation to deal with but I also feel for Freddy. Good luck with this issue Jeanie and Freddy.

I don’t think it’s fair to get upset at Freddie. He is allowed to change his mind. During a marriage people change and grow sometimes together, sometimes apart.. They both deserve what they want & I hope they find a solution because they’re a beautiful couple who clearly care for one another. Good luck you two and truly best wishes for you both.

Anyone who is mad at freddie is sickening! PPL CAN CHANGE THEIR MKNDS AND GROW TO LOVE KIDS AND WANT KIDS!? You are different and not the same person 10 years ago like when they got married. It is MOSTLY women whoaways want kids and not the husband and then the husband gives in! So why is freddie a bad guy? He wants kids of his own… and jeanie doesnt. They both didnt want kids before the marriage but its unrealistic to say that oooh you cant hange ur minds… thats not so strict in a marriage effing vow. Otherwise ppl wouldbe divorcing everywhere. If this was jeanie wanting a kids yall be mad at freddie for not giving her one so stfu… they have differences. Its sad to say maybe it wont last but hopefully freddie if it does happen, can find a partner who does want kids. And hopefully jeanie can find a partner who doesnt but ppl are aloud to CHANGE THEIR MINDS. Sheesh

I agree with the others.  Oftentimes, the passage of time makes our desires clearer and brings them into focus.

This all reminded me of an episode of “Girlfriends” (I WAS SUCH A FAN) where Joan broke up with Brock over the very same issue (the episode was from Season 4, aptly titled “Between Brock and a Hard Place”:

This episode really got to me because, if anyone had been watching Girlfriends and following Joan’s love life, you would know that Joan was utterly unlucky when it came to love.  Here she finally had someone who loved her, who was committed to her, but she had to leave him because they both ultimately wanted two different things in life.

Coincidentally, this video popped up on my Facebook feed this week and tore at my heartstrings.  But I watched it and the only thing I could think of is “That’s love”:

The question is: Can you marry someone if you both want two completely different things in life?  The Bible says it this way: “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” (Amos 3:3).

Partners who are divided on the issue of children often don’t — can’t — stay together (that is, unless one person is willing to make a huge sacrifice on their part, in which case, one must ask oneself if such a huge sacrifice is merited, or even fair).

Dr. Phil had an episode about this awhile back that has always stuck with me.  Dr. Phil shared his story of how he didn’t want to have a second child, but out of love for his wife Robin, he compromised and now they have two grown boys (men, really) and couldn’t be happier.  His advice to the man in question was to consider doing the same.

Thing is, some people are willing to make such sacrifices for the sake of their marriage, and some can’t.  So it is small wonder why many couples who face such an issue end up going their separate ways.

I don’t have any opinion since I have never faced such an issue.  I will say this 1) Love and marriage often entail compromise and sacrifice 2) I think the most loving thing you can do — a testament to your love — is to sacrifice yourself and your desires and your happiness for your beloved.  Sometimes that means setting aside your wants and having the baby, and sometimes that means letting the other partner go his/her own separate way because love often means letting go.  Both are loving acts; both are admittedly painful.

It’s a very hard call.  What would you do?  What should you do?  Here’s some more advice and guidance (here and here and here).

My heart hurts for Jeannie.  Whatever the reasons for her divorce, it must not have been easy to come to this decision, and I wish her and Freddy the very, very best.

Photo credit: Flickr